Think You Know Your Hockey?

December 29, 2007 By Leave a Comment

By Beaker

This is the best I could come up with at 1:15 in the morning. I just watched Shrek 3 and…well I’m not sure what to write after that.

Test your hockey IQ.

Yukon Ho!

Where was Toronto Maple Leafs player Nik Antropov born? Hint: Think Borat. Mighty potassium producer. Toiling away in “loose Leaf land” the Povster is annoying me to bits with his inflated 35 points. I’m just upset that I couldn’t snag him at my reentry draft.

Who leads all Danish players in scoring? Jannik Hansen. 0 points in five games for the Vancouver Canucks. What a killer.

Who scored the most goals in one game so far this season? Marian friggen Gaborik with five for the Minnesota Wild recently (plus he added an assist, you know, just to bust.) I traded him in my keeper pool because his groin was made of Kleenex. Darryl Sittler can chill. His insane record of ten points (including six goals) set in 1976 against the Boston Bruins in one game remains in tact.

Marian ain’t so hot. The record for most goals in one game is seven by Joe Malone with the Quebec Bull Dogs way back in 1920. Seven players hit six in one game including Sittler and the original “Flying Frenchman” Newsy Lalonde of the Montreal Canadiens who achieved it in 1920. Joe Malone also scored six in the same year he netted seven. Good times.

By far the best name in hockey is…? The Polishing Pole Wojtek Wolski of the Colorado Avalanche. Would I kill for that name: Wolski. It would be even more cool if it was Wolfski. Now there’s an image: A wolf on skis. With Joe Sakic and Ryan Smyth injured I expect him to step up. So far, he’s more like a Polish sausage with a lot of promise.

I would like to submit a nickname for Martin Havlat – he who plays left wing for the Chicago Blackhawks. Glassman. Martin “Glassman” Havlat is one of the league’s top productive players…when he’s fricken playing. I considered calling him Chocolate Man but Glassman won.

Spare a thought for Carolina Hurricane’s forward Justin Williams. He’s an awesome player and a great fantasy performer from what I hear but he will no longer be providing me with his services in my hockey pool for quite some time. He tore his ACL. I know. Callous of me to selfishly consider my crappy pool but I was counting on him. Anyway, I guess I should be compassionate. I had two ACL surgeries myself. Not fun.


Filed Under: Hockey Tagged With:

Here’s A Lollipop Chump. Rewarding A Point For A Loss In The NHL Is Stupid

December 29, 2007 By Leave a Comment

By Beaker

The NHL is senseless. What were they thinking? One point for losing? What kind of egalitarian drivel is this? Is the NHL not a professional sports league or a “thanks for coming here’s a ribbon” league?

Why can’t they just come out and call what it is? The “No sports team left behind program.”

Conceivably, a team can tie all their games go to shoot out, lose and still amass 82 points! This may not guarantee you a playoff spot but it makes you competitive.

As a self-appointed, non-elected Grand Poo-bah for the NHL – shtoonk! – I do not approve! Now bring in the grapes!

One other thing, hockey announcers and “experts in both print and radio keep repeating something a myth. Some papers list a team’s record as 15-12-4-3. That is, 15 wins, 12 losses, 4 over time losses and 3 shootout losses. This does not translate into 15 wins and 19 losses. The more accurate reading is 15 wins, 16 losses and 3 ties.

Why? Because if you make it to shootout it means you actually tied the game. Overtime losses means you lost so that goes in the loss column; not shootout losses.

Stick to how the NHL lists it: 15 wins 12 losses 7 overtimes.

Either way it’s lame.


Filed Under: Hockey Tagged With:

Rocket Robin Hood where are you? Rocket Roger Clemens needs you!

December 29, 2007 By Leave a Comment

By Beaker

What’s the big hubabub-bub about steroids anyway?

It was legal and it helped star athletes heal better. And if they called a couple of call girls in the process all the better. A man has gotta relax.

So what he threw a broken bat at Mike Piazza and his gay porn pride mustache? We all knew he was, well, you know, “competitive.”

Really, it wasn’t like Clemens had sex with the cleaning lady.

Roger Clemens is vehemently denying he did the ‘roids thing by using the classic Costanza defense strategy: “Was that wrong? I gotta tell ya, I have to plead ignorance on this one.”

It the Costanza defense has a poor track record and it is likely to stay that way.

Seriously, (for just a second) scorn a person’s trust enough and cynicism is bound to set in. If Clemens did in fact cheat then he has to come clean. It’s a standard now to deny, deny, deny and hope that all is forgotten.

If memories can’t be distracted invade a country or if that proves a little complicated and out of your moral limits then just do what Marion Jones did and return your medals with a long, embarrassed grin and say, “Ooops?”

Clemency is the root word for Clemens. If Rocket ‘Roider tells the truth it will be granted.


Filed Under: Baseball, Parole Humour Tagged With: , ,

Has Anyone Seen Arthur Blank’s Dignity?

December 29, 2007 By Leave a Comment

By Beaker

Remember the scene in The Simpsons where Kirk Van Houten attempted to draw “dignity” in a game of Pictionary?

That’s who I think of when I hear about how many times owner of the Atlanta Falcons Arthur Blank is bent over and lied to.

First, Michael Vick, a superstar athlete Blank regarded as a surrogate son (for some reason) lied to Blank when asked if he was involved in dog fighting. A couple of zapped dogs later, yada, yada, yada, Vick is in prison career in tatters while Blank is left with a bad case of the scorned breach of trust.

Then came one Bobby Petrino who vowed loyalty to the Falcons only to quit and bolt on them to go to Arkansas with three games left in the season.

What’s that saying? Never two without three? Three times a charm?

Well, Arthur Blank was under the impression that he had a gentleman’s agreement with Bill “Fixer Upper” Parcells. Next thing he knows, Parcells is swimming (or is sleeping?) with the fishes in Miami.

I can just hear Arthur telling the media in a Napoleon Dynamite tone, “I am not naïve!”

It’s unfair to compare Blank to Milhouse’s father – after all he’s a loser. However, it comes across as though he has faith in people (which is not necessarily a bad thing) to the point reminding us of another Simpsons character: Ned Flanders. Without the Christianity of course given Blank is Jewish.

Whatever.

Being lied to sucks in any language or religion.

Who will save the Atlanta Falcons? More importantly, who (or what) will find Blank’s dignity?


Filed Under: Parole Humour, Pro Football Tagged With: , , ,

Italy Revisits Londonium

December 29, 2007 By Leave a Comment

By Alessandro

“Hmm. This place has changed dude!” Caesar.

Opposites attract. And by George England and Italy are polar opposites.

It looks like a new Anglo-Italian connection is about to be renewed. Let’s see, first the FA sign “Don” Fabio Capello to add some meatballs to the English national team and then Italian and English clubs were paired together in the knock stage of the Champions League. AC Milan drew Arsenal while Internazionale and Liverpool will tangle legs and footie’s early in 2008.

Cool Britannia versus La Dolce Vita.

Then again, there really isn’t anything new in this. Anyone remember the Anglo-Italian Cups that lasted from 1969 to 1996? Long story short, it was a tournament that pitted teams from, you guessed it, England and Italy. For details regarding the beginning and end of the Anglo-Italian Cups please visit this link: www.rsssf.com/tablesa/angloitalian.html

While many don’t relish the thought of a foreigner coaching England, one can’t help that Capello is a perfect fit for England. Hey, if Jamie Oliver can go on an Italian pilgrimage cooking for Italians on national TV then the English can tolerate Capello for a few years.

It’s been a rough ride for the Queen’s offspring lately. England has simply not measured up in recent memory. The lads have met over the year super powers like Brazil, Argentina, Germany and Italy only to come up short.

For its part, Italy continues to experience success at both the club and national level. Capello feels it is time to do the same for England.

England has not won a major trophy since 1966. That was long ago. Luke Skywalker still didn’t know who his father was, The Beatles were still together while James Bond and Austin Powers were saving us from villainy.

Their expectations have never quite been met on the pitch though they have had some decent campaigns. World Cup Italia 1990 and the 1996 European Championships immediately come to mind. Nonetheless, woulda, coulda, shoulda does not win you titles and this is not acceptable to a nation that fancies itself a world power.

Reasons for why England has struggled are not the point here but what is often over looked is that there is a positive in hiring a foreign manager. England is clearly missing the final spice to glory. Sometimes organizations of all stripes and types get bottled up in group think to visualize what the right route to victory and success is. For this, we import ideas to refresh our minds.

Societies have been borrowing from each other forever. If you think your culture is immune to this then you’re an intellectual and cultural nationalistic snob and bore. Get that flag out of your ass.

In this light, England should be commended for being comfortable in its own skin to look abroad. They found a suitable candidate in Capello who is not only a great coach but one who truly wanted to coach England. His goal, and mark these words down, is to pour every ounce of blood, sweat and tears into bringing England a World Cup.

Is he delusional? A good case can be made that he is not.

England’s track record has been dismal in terms of collecting trophies but in terms of competitiveness they’re actually not that bad. Examining the ELO rankings for the last 30 years one finds England in fourth spot behind Brazil, Germany and Italy who hold 12 World Cups between them. Not bad when you think of it.

Is it a case of making adjustments and tweaking here and there? Who knows? However, don’t bet against Capello. He brings tactical sophistication, discipline and a results driven attitude that teeters on mad outspokenness to a soccer side that sorely misses this. Match this with England’s talent, sense of spirited play and gentlemanly conduct and it’s not hard to see why a number of Italian coaches have expressed interest and admiration for England. They see the perfect fit – Anglitalia!

In England they things they miss in Italy. In Capello, England will see what makes Italy tick.

If this doesn’t work, then England will have to accept the fact that they suck.

Insert dead pan face here.


Filed Under: Soccer Tagged With: , , ,

Introducing the 2007 Fighter of the Year

December 21, 2007 By Leave a Comment

By JA Dawson

Before you scroll down to see my pick for fighter of the year and pass any judgment, please read my selection criteria first. My criteria are simple. 1) The fighter of the year must have beaten at least two fighters who had top ten Ring ratings at the time. 2) The fighter of the year must have defeated at least two of their opponents by unanimous decision or knockout. 3) The fighter of the year must have captured at least one Ring championship belt. As you can see, I not only subscribe to the Ring magazine, but also to its rating system. Their system is not perfect, but it is sure better than the often inconsistent ratings I have seen released by the IBF, WBA and WBC.

The 2007 Fighter of the Year is…Kelly Pavlik (32-0, 29 KO).
The reasons are simple: 1) he beat two top three-rated middleweights this year – Ring Champion Jermain Taylor (27-0-1, 17 KO) and Edison Miranda (28-1, 24 KO); 2) he knocked out both men in impressive fashion in the seventh round, and 3) he captured the Ring Middleweight Championship in the process. Add it up, and you have my fighter of the year.

I know you are wondering why I did not select boxing’s best and richest active fighter, Floyd Mayweather, or boxing’s fastest-rising superstar, Miguel Cotto, as my fighter of the year. If my selection criteria is not clear enough to you, drop me a line and I will gladly explain why.


Filed Under: More Sports Tagged With:

The day they cut Chris Simon’s hair

December 21, 2007 By Leave a Comment

delilahsamson The day they cut Chris Simon’s hair

By Beaker

New York Islanders pugilist and sometimes hockey player Chris Simon was suspended by the NHL for a record 30 games today. It seems that someone upstairs doesn’t feel that stepping on a player, like Simon did, is all that cool – even if it was Jarkko Ruutu of the Pittsburgh Penguins.

Simon broke his own dubious record of 25 games for swinging his stick into the face of another player last year. Conan the Barbarian couldn’t have done a better hacking job.

It’s all for the best lest Simon shows up with a 70s retro goalie mask and a chainsaw at some point down the road.

Hey, Gary Bettman’s ‘My New NHL’ is at least getting some love, I guess. It’s for the wrong reasons but publicity nonetheless. I mean, has Sidney Crosby ever been given one of those 1:15 clips on Pardon the Interruption like Simon got today?

I remember a time when the NHL ran amok with player-rats like Claude Lemieux, Dale Hunter Ulf Samuelsson, Ken Linseman and Bryan Marchment. All were deservedly hated but nonetheless accepted as “part of the game”. Which explains, in part, why the NHL seemed reluctant to deal with dangerous incidences back then.

Ah, good times.

However, does “it being part of the game” wash anymore? Today fans no longer want to tolerate this sort of stuff. They want warriors who play within the rules of the game.They would prefer to see respect among players restored in the game.

Why has Simon seemingly lost his mind? Once upon a time Simon was actually considered a pretty good and charismatic hockey player.

I trace it back to the day he cut his hair. I’m not sure when this happened but it happened. He never recovered after that. More importantly, the barber must have chopped a part of his brain in the process.

Simon: “Ow! What’s that?”

Barber: “N-n-nothing.”

Simon: “Why are you holding a part of my brain in your hands?”

Barber:”This? This thing?”

Hurls it across the room.

Barber:”You’re paranoid, Chris.”

Simon lunges for scissors.

Simon: “Cut…it…all.”

I don’t mean to make light of all this. What Simon has done these past few years really has no place in the game of hockey – heck, sports period. It’s bushwhack goonery at its finest. That’s why 30 games may not be enough. But that’s up for debate. In any event, what are the odds of a sharp blade severing a tendon or ligament anyway? Get real.

Look, I’m not about to indict an entire sport or league based on Chris Simon but when does an isolated incidence become a norm?

This just in: We hear Simon has pickled his brains.


Filed Under: Hockey, Parole Humour Tagged With: ,

Soccer Stats Corner: All-time Top 10 ELO Rankings

December 19, 2007 By Leave a Comment

By Alessandro

While the FIFA rankings are better known, many soccer fans also use the ELO to offset the controversial FIFA method of calculating rankings. The following is a list of the national teams with the highest average Elo score from Jan 1, 1970 to Dec 1, 2007:

Rank Country Average Elo rating
1 Brazil 2004.5
2 Germany 1972.1
3 Italy 1926.4
4 England 1921.8
5 Netherlands 1909.6
6 Argentina 1893.7
7 France 1887.0
8 Spain 1880.5
9 Russia 1857.2
10 Czech Republic 1844.9
Naturally, the top three nations listed offer little surprise. The four to eight spots also sound about right. Let’s put it another way, if someone who follows soccer was asked to name the top ten countries in the last 30 years their list would probably be similar to this one. Though Russia may serve as a curve ball to many.

Not that countries from Eastern Europe are strangers to soccer success. For instance, take the tenth ranked team from the Czech Republic.

Eastern European soccer has a long and rich history. Its legacy reached its zenith wiht the Magnificent Magyars of the 1950s. While World Cup glory has eluded the region, they have been competitive at the tournament. They have also been successful at the Olympics and the European championships.

It would be a mistake to conclude that the Czech Republic is a nouveau-riche soccer nation. In the pre-war era, the Czechs were a world soccer power. Whether under the flag of Bohemia or Czechoslovakia, the Czech Republic has been at the forefront of world soccer that continues to produce world class players.

Bohemia, Czechoslovakia and Czech Republic soccer record:

World Cup:

Finalists 1934, 1962

Euro:

Winners 1976
Runner up 1996
3rd Place 1960,1980, 2004

Olympics:

Gold 1980
Silver 1964


Filed Under: Soccer, Stats Corner Tagged With:

F1 Season Round Up

December 19, 2007 By Leave a Comment

By Ashleigh Charlesworth

It’s been a good off season so far for F1 news, so with that in mind, lets break it all down. Let’s start with the Driver announcements.

Ralf

The younger Schumacher has left the Toyota team, and even though he played with the idea of driving for Team India by taking part in a test, it seems that he was not offered the job.

Ralf is one of those drivers that initially shone, and I have no doubt that if he was in a competitive car could be quick. However, he has not got his brother’s talent or setup, and overcoming the car’s deficiencies – because of that it cost Toyota not only a lot of money, but also a lot of time.

I’m sure with Timo Glock and Jarno in the driving seats the team has a good base to build a car for the future.

Rosberg

Yup Nico has signed on to stay at Williams, ending the rumours of a switch to driving alongside his friend Lewis Hamilton at McLaren. He has signed a 2 year deal to drive for the English team, and will be alongside the Toyota (Williams Engine Supplier) backed Kazuki Nakajima.

“Williams has made me an attractive, far better offer with a new contract up to the end of 2009 and I decided to accept it. For Williams, the question of letting me go never came up.” – Lets just hope the 2008 Williams can continue on where last years car ended, as towards the end of the season it was showing promise.

Fernando

Has now moved back to the AngloFrench Renault team. His year out at McLaren obviously did not go well, and so is rejoining the team he won two Titles with.

“I am delighted to be returning to Renault, This is the team where I grew up as a driver in Formula 1. Now it is time for us to begin a new chapter together. I am very excited about working with this great team once more, and confident that together we can move back to the front of the field. Renault had a difficult year in 2007, but I know that the team has real strength in depth. I am confident they can produce a fast and competitive car and be back at the top in 2008.”

Alongside Fernando is the Brazilian Nelson Piquet Jnr. The youngster did a sterling job of running the third car last year for the Renault team, and has been promoted to the full time drivers seat.

This does bring up an interesting question though, will Fernando like it if Nelson proves to be a quick as he has shown promise to be? after all he disliked it last year when his toes were stepped on by a rookie.

Heikki Kovalainen

Heikki has signed on to be in the car alongside Lewis Hamilton. This is interesting for the McLaren team, as they very rarely run two ‘Rookies’ in the main seats.

There was a lot of talk that Heikki would not get the seat, as Santander (McLaren sponsor) would like to see a Spaniard in the seat (they did sign on with Alonso as the driver after all), this lead to rumours of Pedro de la Rossa possibly getting a promotion to the drivers seat.

However it seems that Santander are OK with the driver lineup and are staying on as sponsor at McLaren, after all they have had there money’s worth out of advertising with Lewis Hamilton in the UK.

Fisi

It looks like (hot off the press, but unconfirmed) Giancarlo Fisichella has signed to drive for Force India, after being booted from Renault. People were betting on Tonio Liuzzi getting the seat, but if the story is correct, then the young Italian is without a race drive in 2008. Let’s hope he gets one (even if it’s a 3rd driver role), as he is at least as talented as his old STR team mate Sebastian Vettel towards the end of the 2007 season.

Teams – That brings us onto the team news, this has been an interesting area so far this off season.

Renault

Have been let off, after the investigation into them using McLaren technology. The inquest into the use of the McLaren data (2 years worth of use it might be added) resulted in

“insufficient evidence to establish that the information was used in such a way as to interfere with or to have an impact on the championship”.

Now the fact that Renault said that if they got a penalty similar to the McLaren 100Million dollar one would force the company to pull out of F1, surely had nothing to do with it?

Renault did not come clean at any point on the data they had, and the uses that they put it to (including showing top engineers inside the team simulations of the data). The information they had pertained to the McLaren GearBox, Fuel Systems and front Damper designs.

The FIA let them off, basically saying that Renault got no use out of the information, because the team did not understand it? If that is the truth, how do they put a car out that beats the ‘Minardi’ let alone the Ferrari and McLarens?

I’m in agreement with Martin Brundle, who is now being harrased by the FIA for saying ‘Witch-hunt threatens to spoil world title race‘. He has defended himself by saying

“As a former Formula One driver, I have earned the right to have an opinion about the sport, and probably know as much about it as anybody else. I have attended approaching 400 grands prix, 158 as a driver. I have spilt blood, broken bones, shed tears, generated tanker loads of sweat, tasted the champagne glories and plumbed the depths of misery. I have never been more passionate about F1 and will always share my opinions in an honest and open way, knowing readers will make up their own minds.”

“The timing of the writ is significant, in my view, given the FIA’s decision to find Renault guilty of having significant McLaren designs and information within their systems, but not administering any penalty,”

“I expect my accreditation pass for next year will be hindered in some way to make my coverage of F1 more difficult and to punish me.

“Or they will write to ITV again to say that my commentary is not up to standard despite my unprecedented six Royal Television Society Awards for sports broadcasting. So be it.” - We wish Martin luck in fighting the Writ, and I for one look forward to one of the most knowledgeable commentators in the sport (let be honest, no-one would be able to live with just James Allen commentating).

McLaren

The team has been in all sorts of trouble and wrangling. The McLaren vs Ferrari (FIA) scandal is now officially over, with McLaren apologizing to the Ferrari team.

However there has been a great deal of pressure on Ron Dennis to retire, after the depth of the Ferrari technology in the McLaren 2007 car was revealed.

To this he said,

“I’m not going to quit. That is 100 per cent. I know there are people out there who want me to retire, but I’m not. I do not think it would be in the best interests of the team.”

And I agree, Ron is the soul of the McLaren team, and if he left it would just become Mercedes Racing.

It’s well known that Mercedes is not happy about their name being dragged through the mud with the McLaren one, even if indirectly. However it would not make sense to releave the people that make McLaren run in the way it does, they are after all a successful outfit, and only because of the way they are run.

Conclusion

So there we have it, all of the pertinent information from the last few weeks, and you will be glad to hear that normal service will be resumed.


Filed Under: Motor Racing Tagged With:

Brian Westbrook shows what team spirit is all about

December 19, 2007 By Leave a Comment

By Alessandro

Every once in a while a sporting moment takes place that leaves a smile on your face. Personally, two moments – make that four – stand out. Marco Tardelli’s goal for Italy over Germany and subsequent celebration in the final at the 1982 World Cup, Mario Lemieux’s winning goal for Canada against the godless Soviets at the 1987 Canada Cup, Hulk Hogan slamming Andre the Giant and Ben Johnson lifting his hand with a number one salute something like three feet before hitting the finish line in 1988. Beautiful. And then he went and got caught for using anabolic steroids. Still, it was the greatest nine seconds – discarding sex – of my life.

The last two were for humour treatment.

Moving right along.

Last night Brian Westbrook gave me my fifth moment. It’s easy to be cynical about sports these days. Punch in ‘Mitchell Report,’ ‘Marian Jones’ and ‘Tour de France’ to get a glimpse of what I mean. That doesn’t mean there aren’t any good stories.

Basically, to make a long story short, with the Philadelphia Eagles leading the Dallas Cowboys 10-6, Westbrook passed up the chance to score a touchdown following a 24-yard run to run out the clock by falling at the one-yard line.

Ok. It wasn’t quite an earth-shattering sports moment. The Eagles are out of the playoffs and were only playing for pride against a division rival. There were no playoff implications – except for the fact that it could affect homefield advantage for the Cowboys. But it did show how sports can provide life lessons.

What makes this play remarkable is in the context to which it took place. In a time where individual accomplishments are paramount, Westbrook did something that should be self-evident but still regarded as an anomaly.

While we get caught up in yards per carry and what athlete is dating which celebrity, Westbrook’s alert and intelligent decision brought out just how fascinating sports can be. What? A modern athlete putting the interest of the team first? You mean, that’s possible?

At least for Westbrook it was.

With Cowboys WR Terrell Owens about to predictably implode and lash out at his team mates, Westbrook reminds us all what selfless team work truly means. We should be talking about this more instead of who Tony Romo is dating.

Then again, triviality sells, right?


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