Everyday it seems we learn more about the Tiger Woods saga-ga. The latest revelation comes by way of eHarmony; a web-based company dedicated to matching people with their soul-mate.
“While cleaning out our database we discovered a rather odd profile and so we investigated,” explained vice-president of Database Cleaner Harmonization Todd Le Monrevelate.
The investigation – outsourced to Thomas Magnum – eventually led them to one Tiger Woods.
Le Monrevelate continued. “Tommy figured out he had two accounts. One under the name Toger Woulds and the other Toods Wiger. It was a head scratcher datsfurshure.”
I managed to gain a copy of ‘the golfer formerly known as Tiger’ profile and decided to share it with Sportsperspectives because it is a serious blog.
His eHarmony relationship questionnaire revealed obscure interests like “waxing his clubs” and quotes such as “G is not just for Gatorade but for G-spot.”
“To be honest, he wasn’t much of a catch,” an eHarmony member wishing to remain anonymous described her only date with Woods. “His picture was of some Thai prince. So I figured what the heck? I dated far worse looking men. When I saw it was Tiger Woods it was, like, let’s just fuck right here, right now in front of all these people. Anyway. During our date he kept quoting Buddha “that tubby douche” and he would then let out a nervous laugh. That’s when he flashed his Nike wallet and said, let’s fucken roll, bitch.” It was all so erotically strange.”
He also was active in the members board and became very close with ‘Megan.’ Both incidentally are known as “Harm sluts” partly because they’ve bumped around the members areas for several years and still act as if they’re in a meat market.
What gave Tiger away to P.I. Magnum was the subject header on the message board, “Shwing! Hole in two places!” to describe a recent eHarmony date. Another header was more macabre: “Daddy’s gone. I’m going to unleash my inner-hydra.” Finally, “Elin feeds me nothing but Swedish reindeer meatballs from IKEA morning, noon and night” and “I’m the Fugitive Kind.”
It soon became apparent to Mr. Magnum the odd ball they were observing Tiger Woods. “I called Rick and asked Ice-Pick to check it out. He confirmed it was Woods. I handed the info to eHarmony and had to run because T.C. was chasing me down for money I owed him. Not to mention needing to get the Ferrari fixed for the 18th time or else Higgins was going to kill me for real!”
Le Revelate concluded, “We called him to verify if it was indeed him. All we got was a recording of Homer Simpson’s scream “Ah!”
eHarmony decided to suspend his accounts because they don’t tolerate fraudulent activity. However, Mr. Woods will be welcomed back if he agrees to “take their site seriously.”
Stay tuned.
